The Marauder’s New Guide To Life
by Hippie Jade
Summary: We’re back! After intensive research I am now able to present The Marauder’s New Guide To Life! Packed full of rules and the stories behind them, but we never did get to the end…
1. Chapter 1

**Hello merry people, welcome to the new and completely revised version of The Marauder's Guide to Life. This version is so in tune with the guidelines I hear they go down the pub together!**

**Anyways…I hope you enjoy this chapter and more are on the way! – Hippie Jade **

**Bob says I own nothing, and after ransacking my house, I agree with him. I OWN NOTHING!**

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**Chapter One**

**Introduction And Black Rules**

The marauders, minis one Sirius Black, lounged around the 5th year boy's dormitory waiting.

A black haired, be-speckled boy by the name of James Potter glanced at his watch before sighing and falling face first into his scarlet duvet.

A blond haired, blue eyed boy, with the pinched look of a rat about his features cast him an amused look, before whispering something to a blank piece of parchment in front of him. This was Peter Pettigrew.

The last boy in the room, a dark haired, worn looking boy by the name of Remus Lupin tapped his foot whilst glancing at the door before once again checking the parchment and quill at the foot of his bed as though it might suddenly explode.

The door banged open, immediately followed by the squeals of surprise as the room's occupance looked round to see there final partner in crime. The dark haired, smooth talking Sirius Black.

"You could have warned us Wormtail!" James yelled as he heaved himself up from the floor, Peter, or Wormtail as his friends called him, shrugged with an apologetic smile and helped him to his feet.

Sirius opened his mouth to speak but was cut off almost immediately by Remus who simply said "We don't want to know why you're late Padfoot. Lets just do it shall we?" the others nodded and pointing there wands at the quill resting on the blank parchment and said in unison _"Kopieren nossas palavras"_

**Sirius' font **

_James' font_

_**Remus' font**_

Peter's font

Wow, it works…** Just get on with it!**

**_This is a list of what we, The Marauders, are not allowed to do at school._** **Not that it stops us!** _Hey guys. This audible writing pen is really cool! What we say it writes!_ **_That would be why it is called an audible writing pen!_** **Duh!** _Shut it Black_** Oh dear is Prongsy getting all huffy-puffy?**

_1. Don't give Sirius anything heavier then a gallon or sharper then a pillow. _**Why?** Because you're dangerous. **Oh shucks, I'm blushing!**

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It was Christmas Eve at Hogwarts and all through the castle not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse…YEAH RIGHT!

Sirius Black was busy, not hurriedly wrapping forgotten gifts or even lying awake in bed waiting.

No, Sirius Black was not the type of boy to do such things, no, he had been busy plotting and now, he was ready!

"Ready, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…WAKIE WAKIE!" Sirius leapt from his bed wildly chucking pillows here and, for some odd reason, Gallons there.

Judging by the thuds, crashes and screams of shock that followed he hit his targets well, and grabbing his running shoes he quickly left the dormitory with 3 very angry and very bruised boys hot on his tail.

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2. **_Do not joke about bodily harm to any living persons around Sirius, it gives him ideas._** **But it was funny to see Snape hanging off the astronomy tower like that wasn't it?**

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"Deck the halls with boughs of holly,  
Fa la la la la, la la la la.  
Tis the season to be jolly,  
Fa la la la la, la la la la"

"O-oh, Sirius why are you so…happy?" James questioned dodging a snowball and skidding on some ice in his rush to catch up with his eccentric friend.

Sirius just grinned, not a nice grin, more a sort of I've-just-done-something-pure-evil-and-it-was-fun grin. James shuddered before casting his mind around to try and think of what Sirius could have possibly done this time.

Sirius stared up at the sky singing,

"Children gaze open mouthed

Taken by surprise  
Nobody down below believes their eyes"

James' eyes widened and, following Sirius' eyes he found himself looking upon quite a sight.

Hanging by a pair of pink, sparkly, Muggle fairy wings from the astronomy tower, squeezed in to a pink leotard and tutu with a tiara on his head and glitter on his face was Snape.

So shocked by this disturbing image James forgot to duck when Lily Evens aimed an iceball at him.

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3. _Don't wake Sirius up at 2:30 in the morning for any reason 'cause he really needs his beauty sleep_** Why is this all about me so far?** **_Because as well as what we're not allowed to do there are the things we should not do for our own safety._**

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"Sirius…Sirius!...SIRIUS!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII"

"Uph!"

"Opps"

James had lent over Sirius' bed intent on waking him up so he could tell him of his latest prank idea. But Sirius, it proved, was not easy to wake up and, if you succeeded, you nearly always needed a trip to the hospital wing.

You see, Sirius Black had an odd habit of suddenly jumping straight up when woken at an unruly hour (then 9:30am) and more often then not, whoever was waking him was in his path.

Coincidently James suffered a broken jaw on this particular occasion.

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4. Don't let Sirius near the kitchens (he empted it last time and was hyper for a month) **If** **I remember correctly you were there with me!** _So this rule applies to the both of you!_ **N**o**o**o**o!**!

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Chaos, disorder and distress…yes…Sirius Black was in the room.

The kitchens of Hogwarts were in disarray, one Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew had eaten half the Halloween feast, worse still, they were still hungry!

The house elves were, well let's say shocked would be the understatement of the century.

In fact it was only with al the 200 working in the kitchens pushing and their two friends pulling that they finally managed to get the human dustbins to leave!

All was not a total loss though; house elves could always deliver a great, if small, feast despite all odds, much to the two boys' delight!

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_5. (Carrying on from number 4) Don't let Sirius near anything sugary. _**But it gives me such a rush!** _That's the problem!_

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There are simply too many occasions when the famous Sirius Black has gone hyper. Far too many to re-count and far too funny to choose one as an example. Though many seem to involve drills, hedge trimmers, fruit and some ordinary house hold bleach…

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**I'll update ASAP, but I'll update my stories based on how many reviews I get. The more reviews I get on one the quicker I'll update it. Not bribery, I just need some order in my life. **

**Anyways, TTFN!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi! Thanks to those of you who reviewed! This is for you!**

**Bob says no matter how much I wish I will never own Harry Potter, just loads and loads of books…**

**Sirius' font **

_James' font_

_**Remus' font**_

Peter's font

**1. DON'T JUGGLE KNIVES UNLESS YOU'RE REALLY GOOD AT IT!**

_**Does this one even need explaining?**_

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"Erm, what is James doing?"

"Practicing a new trick to impress Lily" Sirius answered as he and his other two friends turned to watch James. His arms were full of knives, steak knives, cheese knives, chopping knives and meat cleavers.

"Ready!" he suddenly shouted throwing the contents of his arms up into the air, by the time his friends had screamed, "NO!" it was too late…

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2. _Not allowed to try to seduce the gargoyles guarding the staffroom. That includes you Sirius. _**Once! I did it once!**

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"I'm bored!" Sirius whined, slouching into the room, sighing Peter replied, "Well, find a way to entertain yourself!"

After been chased from the dormitories for clicking his tongue and destroying half its contents with a beaters bat, Sirius decided he was still bored.

Walking past the staffroom he decided he might as well put itching powder in Sluggie's cloak, he slinked up to the gargoyles, determined to pass.

"Hey" he whispered, "That pedestal really brings out your eyes, and…do you floss, you must with all those pearly whites! Wow...You've had a manicure haven't you?"

The gargoyle blushed, turned to Sirius and winked, thoroughly disturbed Sirius ran away as fast as his legs could carry him, screaming about horny statues.

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_4. Don't ask Professor McGonagall if she's on crack when she gives you a detention. Or you'll get double as dear Padfoot found out._

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"Black!"

"I didn't do it!"

"Wha-do what?"

"Errr…nothing"

"Detention!"

"What!" Sirius took his feet from off of the desk in front of him and jumped up in outrage, "What for!"

Professor McGonagall's nostrils flared, "I don't know what for, but you've obviously done something wrong so I'm giving you detention now to save time later"

Sirius, and indeed the whole class, blinked several times before he asked, "Are you on bloody crack?"

"Detention!"

"I didn't do anything!"

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_5. **Not allowed to make out with any statues. That was one nasty dare!**_ I can't believe you did it! **_Yes but it was that or snog the giant squid._**

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**CONSORTED!**

**Dude, check the rating!**

**Spoilsport**

**Shut it Black!**

_Were you just arguing with the narrator/author?_

**She started it!  
**

**Did not!**

**Did too!**

**Did not!**

**Did too!**

**Did not!**

**Did too!**

**Did not!**

**Did too!**

**Did not!**

**Did too!**

**Did not!**

**Did too!**

_**Shut up both of you!**_

**(Sulk)**

**(Sulk)**

_**Thank you!**_

Phew, I though there were never going to shut up…

_Shhh Pete or she might get revenge!_

(Sulk)

_**Stop being mean!**_

_(Sulk)_

_**Oh great, I'm surrounded by weirdoes, oh well when in Rome:**_

_**(Sulk)**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Me only owning half a Curly Wurly and a packet of love hearts.**

Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

Three times winner of 'Most Likely Place to Be Invaded by Rabid Fan-girls'.

And seven times winner of 'Highest Character Distress rate', after all the fics in which Harry Potter characters have been placed into romantic relationships, with the likes of Voldermort, Snape and Peter Andre.

Let us begin!

1. Do not set off helium gas in the staffroom. **Oh Danny boy! **_No! My eardrums nearly burst last time!_

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"Do I want to know how you managed to get three canisters of helium?" Remus questioned with a raised eyebrow as he stood watch at the door.

"Err…properly not, no" James replied after a brief silence and a side ways glance at his best friend.

"Watch it Pete! That cost me thirty-five Gallons!" Sirius exclaimed when his shorter friend accidentally dropped a pump and coil of tubes, he looked confused, "Why on earth would you pay thirty-five Gallons for this? It's only worth five at the very least"

Sirius grinned, "I know, but I was using my darling mothers account book when I brought it"

"Wizards have account books?" Sirius nodded and Peter asked another question, "Who on earth would make you pay so much?"

"Greg 'pay me now' O' Git"

"Who's he? A gangster?"

"No, he's the bloke that works at B&Q?"

"Oh…"

James huffed, "Is this ready yet?" Sirius scratched his head, gazed around the room with delight, "Yes! I think it is!"

"Their coming!" Remus suddenly whispered, running over to join them under James' invisibility cloak.

The teachers of Hogwarts filed into the staffroom, each ready for this months staff meeting and armed to the teeth with notes and genders.

"Ready, one, two, and three…" James whispered, on three the four boys jumped on the pump, filling the room with the helium gas.

"Right now, first on the agenda, what the hell is wrong with my voice?"

The teachers began to scream with fury, it would have been rather frightening if they had not have sounded like Speedy Gonzales on crack.

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**Do not announce in the great hall that professor McGonagall is 'expecting'**

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"AHEM!" Sirius Black called for silence as he stood up in the packed great hall during the Halloween feast. He tapped the glass in his hand with a custard covered spoon again until all eyes were on him.

"Thank you! I shall not keep you long. I only wish to congratulate our very own professor McGonagall on her most pleasing news!"

The rooms' occupance muttered to themselves in confusion BUT Black was no where near done, "Yes! It is my greatest honour to tell you that our beloved professor is expecting!"

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3.** (Carry on from number 2) or that the lucky man is professor Dumbledore.**

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Sirius was about to sit when he suddenly remembered something and called attention once more, the furious professor McGonagall narrowed her eyes. Her face twisted with so much anger it would have had Voldermort himself cowering in the corner.

"My congratulations also, to the lucky dad to be, professor Dumbledore!"

A vain in McGonagall's neck burst.

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4.**_ Don't tell 1st years that Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore 'get giggy with it' every Saturday night._** They actually believed us! _I know! Ha ha ha! Course it was all thanks to our 'angelic' allie.** Yeah, pity about the horns holding said halo hostage.**_

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"First years this way! First years to me!" Remus called as the great hall began to clear with students going off to bed. Sirius huffed, "Do we have to?" Remus rolled his eyes, "You don't, but I'm a prefect and have to"

Sirius stuck his tongue out at his friends retreating back and joined the end of the line of first years following the prefects. Why did James and Peter have to get caught chucking Snape in the lake? And leave him on his own with prefects?

"Are you a fifth year?" a blond haired first year asked him, pulling on his robes when he spun around looking for who had spoken; he looked down at the new Gryffindor and blinked. "Yes, who are you?"

"I'm Agnes" there was silence between the two for a while; Agnes decided to break it first, "So…any teachers I should be worried about?"

Sirius shrugged, then an evil grin formed on his face, "Well, not really, Slughorn's a prat, and McGonagall and Dumbledore get giggy with it every Saturday night, but apart from that no"

Agnes raised a sceptical eyebrow, "I don't believe the last part, I'm eleven not a retard"

Sirius grinned again, "Never said _you_ were"

"Are you suggesting that I lie to my fellow first years just so we can laugh at them for been so gullible?"

"Yes!" Agnes narrowed her eyes then shrugged,

"Sure, sounds like fun"

Within a week all the first years of Hogwarts were walking past Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore with thoroughly disturbed expressions and the Marauders had found themselves an angelic looking allie.

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5. **Do not place Snape in the lonely hearts column of The Daily Prophet. _Now that was a good one! Do you remember his face? _**_I know! Hahaha_

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"'Young, sophisticated well tuned Slytherin guy who has achieved six OWLS and is a master of potions and cross dressing seeks… any old slapper.

Please reply to Mr.S. Snape ASAP as I am gagging for it.'" Remus sighed, "Why do I think you had something to do with this, Padfoot?"

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**Well that's it for now folks, sorry it isn't that good. I'm suffering from writers block but the constant poking from Padfoot, courtesy of ****Poppy Cotton of Underhill****, got on my nerves, that and him, Bob and Trevor (my friend that lives in the bin) getting blind drunk on whiskey and singing a song about happy goblins all night.**

**If any of you have any ideas or characters you would like me to write about don't hesitate to ask and to ****Poppy Cotton of Underhill**** Remus clips on the way! Now please, please, TAKE HIM BACK!**


	4. Chapter 4

And the survey said…"I DON'T OWN A THING!"

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1. Don't play truth or dare with James or Sirius, I've still got the scars. **Ha ha ha I remember that! It was so funny! Ha!** _Yeah!_ Mean! _Spoilsport._

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"Alright…I dare you to…" James gazed around the room in boredom, his eyes then fixed on the window, an evil grin spread across his face, "Wormtail, I dare you -"

"Are you guys sure about this? I mean isn't it, you know, just a little bit dangerous?" Peter whimpered as Sirius tightened the rope around his feet and James the one around his hands.

"Of course not Wormtail! We would never do anything to hurt you would we?" James asked, Peter snorted, "Anyway, you saw the test run we did with the frozen Smash and it was a complete success!"

"No it was not! It shattered in to a thousand pieces! And all those pieces smashed into a thousand pieces! And although I stopped counting at that point I wouldn't be surprised if all those pieces -"

Sirius rolled his eyes, "Yes and you are a completely different size and weight to a packet of Smash so you'll be just dandy! Right? Ready!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

"PETER YOU SCREAM LIKE A GIRL!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! HHEEEEELLLLPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Well" James reasoned standing next to Sirius, "He is tied to the Whopping Willow"

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_2. _**Don't call Professor McGonagall Minnie-Moo.**

"My darling Minerva, my lovely, lovely Minnie-Moo!" McGonagall narrowed her eyes, "What are you up to Black?"

"Minnie-Moo! I'm shocked you think so little of me!"

"Then let me past"

"NO! I mean…Minnie-Moo, mrs … person … thing, you don't want to go in there! Its… it's…"

Sirius spotted his friends sneaking away of the teachers shoulder, "It's all yours, BYE!"

"BLACK! DETETION! AND NEVER CALL ME THAT AGAIN!"

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**3. Don't call Professor Dumbledore Diddy-Dum.**

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The Marauders fled down the corridor accidentally slamming into professor Dumbledore, "Opps, sorry Diddy-Dum! Minnie-Moo's down there" Sirius jabbed a finger behind him.

Looking totally disturbed Dumbledore backed away slowly.

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**_4. Don't place a voice projection charm on yourself then proceed to sing 'I feel pretty' or 'The sun has got his hat on' or 'I know a song that will get on your nervous' at 5o'clock in the morning. We all had a go at this one, it was well funny to see everyone running down the stairs in there night-wear!_**

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"Sugared moles" the gargoyle entrance to Dumbledore's office began to move upwards, on its back; Sirius Black, on the head; James Potter, perches on the tail; Peter and Remus on the steps each of them belting out random songs, the sound amplified but the voice projection charm.

It was on this day that all of Hogwarts awoke to the bad singing of either; I feel pretty'. 'The sun has got his hat on' or 'I know a song that will get on your nervous'

It was also on this day that four Gryffindor boys were chased round the grounds with over half the school chasing them, with beaters bats and other such objects

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5. Don't declare your undying love for Professor McGonagall in the middle of the great hall. Sirius! **Well I had just been beaten senseless with a beaters bat!**

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"What happened?"

"It was an accident!"

"An accident?"

"Yes an accident involving me, Sirius and an iron beaters bat!"

McGonagall shook her head and rolled her eyes the lent over the unconscious Gryffindor slapping him roughly on the face.

"Your not supposed to enjoy that you know miss"

"Potter" she hissed, James stopped grinning.

"Black, Mr Black!"

"Minnie-Moo! My love, the one the only! My…marshmallow…" He passed out.

"That means he'll be fine!"

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Sorry it well…RUBBISH! I've only just been able to get on the computer and am trying to update as much as possible as there will be three solid weeks when I won't have access to any computer (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!).

But that's in April so no worries yet! 

Review!


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry this is so over due! Please forgive me:(**

"Umm, this might sound like a silly question but Padfoot, what the hell are you doing?"

Sirius, hanging upside down from his four poster ('Soon to be three poster if he don't get down sharpish' James thought) bed with a black cloak wrapped tightly around him. He mumbled something about bats and Sandy Hue.

"Ohh!" James exclaimed slapping a hand on his forehead in under-stand-ment, "I get it! Well do you want to come down and help us continue the list?"

Sirius didn't say anything but after a few moments he suddenly threw his arms out, still clutching the cloak, "I fly!" he yelled before hitting the ground with a dusty thud.

James rolled his eyes; last time he had been dumped he had found comfort in waving a pair of his under pants around announcing peace for the wheelbarrows. Naturally he was quite thankful that the first thing he had seen this time were bats and not a broken wheelbarrow and the clean laundry.

"Come on Padfoot, and no more sugar or coffee and we'll go girlfriend hunting after"

**Sirius' font **

_James' font_

_**Remus' font**_

Peter's font

_**This is a follow – up list of what we are not allowed to do at Hogwarts.**_

**Since we can't be expected to remember everything at once.**

_Like your girlfriends names?_

**Shut it Jamie or I'll tell everyone here that you have a pair of boxers with the words 'Girl Bait' written on them.**

_I'm gonna kill you!_

**Aaaaaaaaggggggggggg _James you're strangling him!_**

He's turning blue!

_**Let's just get on with the list shall we?**_

_Fine!_

**Don't reveal embarrassing secrets about James when you are in strangling range.**

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See above

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_2. Don't tell Sirius anything embarrassing or let him borrow clothes._

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See above

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**_Do not let James or Sirius near books _Why? _Because they have a tendency to 'accidentally' catch fire or 'accidentally' fall out of the window. _**_My hands slipped! **Yes, to the candle hovering 10 ft above us?**_

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"Lets fly, lets fly away!" Sirius sang whilst tossing '_A Guide To Your Own Designer Bin By Trevor McTrevor'_ out of the window.

"Pads, you do now that's Peter's favourite book don't you?"

"Erm…" he replied watching the book hurtle into greenhouse 4's roof,

"Opps…Oh well!" and he threw another book high into the airwhere it hit a floating candle.

The fire ball began to fall … rapidly.

"Err…run?"

"Yeah"

James and Sirius legged it.

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4. Do not let Sirius buy you drinks; I had that rash for two weeks! **But it was funny! You looked like a creature from a swamp. **_Yeah and the giant squid tried to mate with you, remember? _Yes I do!

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**………..EWWWWW!**

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_**5. Do not tie Snape to the trunk or branches of the whomping willow**. Aaaa, I remember that, McGonagall had such a hissy fit! **Yeah, can't think why…**_

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Lily stormed over to a laughing James and smacked him roughly on the cheek, "OW! What was that for!" he yelped rubbing his sore (and rather red) face.

"I know it was you and your stupid follower-"

"Hey!" Sirius yelled indignantly,

"-who did it!"

"Did what?"

She narrowed her eyes into slits and pointed angrily to the window, James nervously opened it and peered out-

"-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

He shut it hurriedly, "PADFOOT!"

Sirius chucked meekly, "Opps?"

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**6. Do not tell first years that you are the love child of Professor Dumbledore._ You are seriously whacked Padfoot._**

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The first year's eyes widened in horror, "EWW!", they ran off down the stairs trying (without any luck) to get the images out of their heads.

Sirius straightened up and cracked his knuckles in glee, "Well, I'd say that was a job well done. Wonder if I can get a butterbeer…"

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**You like?**


	6. Chapter 6

**Here you go Happy, Happy people! **

**Goodness gracious what a dramatic day it has been! Plus I have the Happy Days song stuck in my head…**

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1. Do not announce in the great all that Professor Dumbledore is marrying Professor McGonagall_. And then tell the house elves to send a wedding cake up to them when they denied it._

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"Excuse me! Excuse me! Important announcement! OI! Lockhart! Shut it!" Sirius exclaimed as the Halloween feast ended, everyone looked round expectantly, everyone except professor McGonagall who merely growled in the boy's direction threateningly.

"I am very happy to announce that our own professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore have finally decided to admit what we have all known for a while now!"

A few thousand heads turned top peer at the professors in question as Sirius rounded off with a gleeful cry of, "Good luck with the wedding professors!"

He sat back down.

McGonagall glared at him whilst Dumbledore raised an eyebrow and shook his silver head in amusement.

It took a while for order to return to the hall and when it finally did professor McGonagall didn't have time to deny it all and hand out detentions because it was at that moment a gigantic cake, iced in colours of white and silver appeared on the teacher's table, two figures - which greatly resembled the professors in question - were perched a-top the assume construction.

Professor McGonagall passed out.

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2. Do not set Professor McGonagall an anti bun charm**. She looks so pretty when she's got her hair down and is yelling ten to the dozen. **_You have got some really bad issues mate._

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"She looks pretty with her hair down" Sirius commented as the outraged professor stormed past, waist length, chestnut brown hair sweeping out behind her and whacking Peter in the face.

"OW! MY EYE!" he screamed clutching his left eye in agony, Remus stared ahead unblinking,

"I think I'm scarred for life" he declared turning white.

James made gagging sounds at Sirius who merely sighed in McGongall's direction with a dopey expression on his face,

"Sirius!" James called waving a hand in front of his face when he became bored of taking the mick, Sirius jumped and landed on Peter's foot.

"OW! MY FOOT, MY EYE, MY FOOT, MY EYE………ow…." he sniffled.

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_3. If Professor McGonagall gives you a detention do not reply "Just so you can spend more time with me, Minnie my love" Sirius does this EVERY day!_

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"Detention" professor McGonagall replied curtly,

"Oh! Minnie!" Sirius exclaimed, McGonagall smiled so visouslySirius gulped, "With" she continued, "Proffessor Slughorn"

Sirius left the room quietly though McGonagall was certain a few seconds later she heard a terribly loud, "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" it lasted precisely 37.653 seconds. She shook her head and continued with her paper work.

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**4. Do not leave James alone with Lily Evans or you will have to drag him to the hospital wing a minuet later. **_You didn't have to last time! **We did, it's just that you were unconscious because of the hex she put on you.** Oh…_

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"Lily, my darling! May I say you look particularly beautiful this morning?"

"No, leave me alone Potter!" Lily snapped not even sparing him a glance, James shook his head and followed her down the corridor.

"Am I not aloud to compliment a beautiful girl when I see one?" he questioned with a grin but no trace of sarcasim, Lily glared at him.

"I know what your after Potter! And I know you mean nothing of what you say so leave me alone!" she yelled before running off.

James' smile slid off his face and he dawdled back to his friends sadly,

"At least she didn't hex you like last time" Peter encouraged, James raised an eyebrow, "She didn't"

Sirius and Remus exchanged a look, "Lets go do the list shall we?" Sirius asked, James brightened and soon forgot Peter's comment.

Until now that is…

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**Sorry this was so short but I knew I had to update_ something_ and been ill saps me of my humour –sniffle-**

**Let me know what you think!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Sirius' font **

_James' font_

_**Remus' font**_

Peter's font

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**1. _Do not start a nudist colony in any bathroom or teachers office._**

_You are really sick, Pad, you know that don't you?_

**I just do what the voices tell me.**

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"Roll up! Roll up! Just two gallons and you too can be au natural!"

"Black! What are yo-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Lily ran down the corridor, mentally scarred for life.

"There you are Pads-oh my god" Remus turned a rather intresing shade of green and ran to the nearest bathroom that did not have a naked Padfoot at the door.

"Sirius what on earth are you doing?" James asked keeping his eyes strictly ahead, it didn't help that his friend was jumping up and down with excitement.

"I've started a nudist colony! 64 members so far! Want to join?" he asked putting an arm around James who shrunk away with a green twinge to his face, "No thanks pad, I'm…I'll be going…detention you know"

"Oh! I'll come!"

"NO! – erm, I mean, aren't you needed here?"

"Well, yeah bu-"

"Right, see ya!" James legged it down the corridor after Remus, Sirius merely shrugged.

"Roll up! Roll up!-"

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_2.Don't fill the entire Slytherins common room and house table with flowers._

_**It's amazing how many of them had hay-fever.**_

I know, they looked like walking snot by the end of the day.

**AHHH! BOGGIE MONSTERS!**

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"Is it just me or do they-"

ACHOO!

"look really-"

ACHOO!

"green?" Peter asked as another snot covered Slytherin rushed past holding his nose,

ACHOO!

"They look green" James admitted dodging another boogie-boy running past, "Urg!" he cried, "He got me!"

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**_3.Don't drink an entire bottle of Firewhiskey._**

**Wormtail!**

What? I can totally handle my drink!

_Sure you can…_

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Peter took another swig out of the almost empty bottle of 1883 Fire-whiskey (Very good year) sloshing half of the gulp down his already sodden robes.

He grinned blearily at the person on his right and in a slurry voice continued their conversation,

"And it's plug, oh Moony ol' mate, ol' chum hic it has such a pretty plug! Remus, Moony, mate, you should see it's plug…such a pretty plug"

He took another clumsy gulp of alcohol, "I love my toaster!" he gave another hiccup which succeeded in unseating him.

"Such a pretty plug" his muffled voice mumbled from beneath the heap on the floor before loud snores echoed around the room.

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4.Don't and I mean DON'T stalk Lily Evans and then when she asks you what the hell your doing act like a fish out of water.

_Are you implying I'm an awkward teenager? Because I'll have you know I am the epitome of casualness when I am around Lily._  
**_It wasn't that when you walked into the glass door, although you certainly did get her attention then._**

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"Or we could dye his hair gr-" James stopped mid-sentence, his eyes fixed upon a certain red-haired beauty passing in the oppiste direction, he craned his neck to keep her in sight,

"James watch out for th-" CRASH "Never mind" Remus muttered, James shook his head in confusion, wondering why it hurt so much and why he had just slid down the greenhouse door.

"Your hopeless" Sirius muttered helping him up and away from the jeering crowd.

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**5.'Sorry I don't have my homework, Professor, Peter's socks ate it' is not a valid excuse.**

_It was true though!_

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"AAAAAHHHHHHH!" Sirius ruched down the stairs of the boy's dorm in complete panic, "HELP!" he yelled racing up to his friends, knocking a first year's homework over in the process.

"What!" James asked startled out of his Lily induced trance, Sirius gasped at James and Remus, "One of Peter's socks has escaped!"

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Half an hour later found the three Marauders upstairs in their dorm room, Sirius armed with a chair, James with a frying pan and Remus with a peg on his nose and the laundry bag in his gloved hands.

"Get back in the sack sock!" James commanded of the mouldly, steaming, manky sock in the middle of their hicdly-pickdly circle.

"I'm not going back in their it stinks!" the sock declared, the smell from the hol out of which it spoke making them all heave, it was at this moment Peter desided to enter the room.

"Peter! If you can't control your socks you shan't be allowed to have any!" Remus yelled at him, his voice oldly high pitched.

Using this distraction to it's advantage the sock made a dash for the door, "Help! Help! I'm been hasstled by a killer sock!" Sirius screamed jumping on the nearest bed. James ran at the sock and began to batter it with the frying pan, "Die! Die!" he yelled inbetween thuds.

Peter let out a sniffle, "Its dead now" James narrowed his eyes at Peter and whacked him over the head with the frying pan, "Pete, it was a mercy killing"

The sock let out a final, painful "UUUURRRRGGGGGG"

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**Sorry about the delay!**

**Ideas that you recognise proberly aren't mine!**

**I really will try to update again next week, PROMISE!**


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